Calories (noun): Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your pants a little tighter every night
Yesterday I told you I binged on New Year’s Eve. As I wrote about in Day 28 | A binge doesn’t just happen, there’s always something happening underneath the surface driving me to eat. So what was it this last time?
I’m afraid to get fat.
This is not an unfounded fear: In 1997, I gained 100 pounds. That’s the kind of weight-gaining of which I am still fully capable.
I have other fears:
- I’m afraid I’ll run into my ex-boyfriend, with whom I work (Ladies, don’t do it) and he’ll see the weight gain and be disgusted.
- I’m afraid I’ll die alone.
- I’m afraid of losing the power that goes along with being thin and pretty.
Just getting warmed up.
Over the course of this now ten-month relapse, I’ve gained approximately 20 pounds, which, considering my history, is just the start of more pounds to come.
And I hate it.
I am a very physical person; I love to exercise, feel fit and wear cute clothes. I hate how my stomach bloats out and my thighs rub together. I’ve been living in constant panic mode. Every day I wake up and think, basically, “Today I’m going on a diet.”
Because for every day that I think I’m going to try to – as they say in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, “control and enjoy” my food, I’m not surrendering to the fact that I have a disease.
And every time I “go on a diet,” I am keeping the disease alive and well: There’s nothing the disease of compulsive eating loves more than a good old-fashioned diet.
Press the panic button!
Diets trigger a host of deeply rooted, primal fears:
- I’m afraid I’m going to starve to death.
- I’m afraid I’m never going to eat food I like again.
- I’m afraid I’m not like the other kids (this is an old fear from childhood)
- I’m afraid people are going to point and laugh at me.
- I’m afraid people will feel sorry for me.
- I’m afraid I’ll eat myself to death.
And then I binge.
I don’t know if this is the fallout from being put on my first diet when I was four years old (read Day 18 | “Fat Girl” Part 1), or just self-preservation but it doesn’t matter.
What I’m doing isn’t working.
So what’s the solution?
That’s what I’ll be exploring in the days to come.
Until then, please be good to yourself.
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