“You just do it. You force yourself to get up. You force yourself to put one foot before the other, and God damn it, you refuse to let it get to you. You fight. You cry. You curse. Then you go about the business of living. That’s how I’ve done it. There’s no other way.” – Elizabeth Taylor
I had another relapse. And it was bad.
That goes without saying: my relapses are always bad. I haven’t had a “slip” or a “slight deviation” from my abstinence (the food equivalent of sobriety) for years.
Like Liz Taylor and her diamonds, I go big or I go home.
It started with a resentment.
One against my besty, about whom I wrote on Jan 22 | When Being a Flake Is Good. The second against my Gray Sheeters Anonymous (GSA) sponsor, who made me redo my lunch because I measured it wrong.
These two resentments, coupled with a massive case of self-pity, set me up for a severe case of the “Eff Its”:
- Eff It to trying to do this stupid food plan.
- Eff It to weighing and measuring my food in restaurants.
- Eff It to my so-called “besty” for being a selfish bi-otch.
There is a reason the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous calls a resentment the “number one offender” … we eat “at” people and destroy ourselves in the process.
So how did that work out for you?
The Eff Its got me three days of bingeing, one day of missed work, two missed meetings, and a weekend spent in agony on the bathroom floor … while both my besty and sponsor had great weekends.
So that worked out well.
I’m sharing this not to cause you to lose hope, but ironically, to give you hope. I am modeling for you two things that will stop a relapse: Honesty and Action.
- Honesty: I promised you when I started this blog that I would be honest no matter what, and this is me, warts and all. I done did it. I done binged.
- Action: Here’s what I’m doing about it: I went to two GSA meetings yesterday, called people, met with a friend for coffee, told my sponsor the truth, packed my lunch for today.
But there is one key action to getting out of a relapse.
You have learn from it.
You gotta use what happened to make yourself better, stronger, clearer. That is how you go from “Eff It” to “Accept It.”
So what did I learn?
I learned that nothing – nothing – is worth a binge. People are going to disappoint me. Bestys are going to be selfish. Sponsors are going to make you redo your lunch when you measure it wrong.
But none of it is worth eating over.
This is not this first time I’ve been presented with this message but, like Liz Taylor who swore off marriage … but only after her eighth one ended in divorce … I think it’s pretty much inked in now.
Today I am picking myself up and saying “Eff You” to the disease.
Because that’s how it’s done. There is no other way.
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