Me and Keto Broke Up

I have bad news: Me and Keto have consciously uncoupled. It’s over.

I didn’t see it coming, frankly. Keto was going to be my forever diet, the one that was supposed to work. Me and all that bacon? Even butter ON bacon if I wanted?  It was a match made in heaven. But instead, Keto broke my heart.

Scientifically Keto is sound: It’s a well-researched, long-established way of eating that truly addresses a multitude of medical issues (e.g., candida, unstable blood sugar, hormone imbalance), which is why I viewed it as my perfect fit, having suffered so many of those issues myself.

I bought the books, lined my shelves with expensive ketosis-inducing supplements, filled my cupboards with expensive olive oils and got ready to dive into piles of butter-covered bacon, guilt-free.

Only it didn’t work out as planned.

What I read about Keto and what I experienced on Keto were very different things.

  • I was hungry. Like, really hungry, pretty much all the time. Where was this all this hunger-free goodness I kept hearing about? That was half the attraction of Keto for me; I hate being hungry. Despite how much Keto-friendly food I ate, most nights I went to bed with a growling stomach.
  • I couldn’t get the macros right. Every day, all day, I tracked everything I put into my mouth on my Fitbit app, which did all the calculating for me. Inexplicably, I could NOT pull off the correct ratios that would put me into the ketosis that would burn the fat right off me. Not being able to figure out what looked like a simple formula made me feel like an idiot. So, I got to add “stupid” to the feeling of hunger that accompanied me to bed every night.
  • I couldn’t get into ketosis. Every time I urinated on a Keto stick and watched it not turn purple (the indicator that your body is burning fat instead of carbs for energy), I hated myself. What was I doing wrong?? I could never satisfactorily answer that question so obviously the problem had to be me. So I got to add “failure” to the nightly checklist of “hungry” and “stupid.”
  • I just didn’t like it. This one surprised me the most. I thought I’d die of happiness eating all the fat I wanted. Instead, I felt slimy inside and longed for fruit and baked potatoes.
  • It triggered my binge-eating disorder. This one is entirely on me. Any time I’m on a diet – any diet – my subconscious mind loses its shit. It’s always been this way – from the time I was put on my first diet at age four until right this very minute, I have never, ever dieted successfully. So why I thought yet another diet would work for me, I just don’t know. True to my lifelong pattern, only a few days into my magical Keto journey, I was binging on Keto-friendly foods like – yes – bacon, cheese and (a new low) pork rinds covered in cream cheese.

So, you may be thinking, “Keto is great! You just didn’t do it right” and I don’t disagree with you. Keto works for literally millions of people. It didn’t work for me. I tried it … I gave it my absolute best effort … it didn’t work out as I’d hoped.

I guess me and Keto just weren’t meant to be.

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